Saturday, July 27, 2013

Just a regular day...

I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to write about today and just can't seem to come up with anything.  Today was an amazing day but you know what?  Nothing really happened today.  Maybe that's why it was so amazing.  It's fun to do things and go places with the kids.  It's neat to see the kids have new experiences.  But today there wasn't any of that.  We just stayed in and enjoyed the company of our own family.  Thank you God for the beautiful time we were able to spend together today.  When I look at my family I can't even believe that I am blessed enough to be part of such a wonderful family.  There was a time I didn't think I would be able to have children or even still be married for that matter.  In our first year of marriage I lost 3 pregnancies.  There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about those babies.  Were they boys or girls?  What would their personalities be like?  What would they look like?

I couldn't believe that the first time I tried to get pregnant, I did.  It never occurred to me that something could go wrong.  I never knew anyone who had a miscarriage.  When I lost that baby at 5 weeks, I chalked it up to bad luck.  I also internalized my pain and sadness and grew distant in my relationship with God.  When I lost the next baby at 12 weeks on my honeymoon, I knew there had to be something wrong with me.  I knew something was wrong with the pregnancy and didn't pressure my doctor to take a closer look.  While in tears in her office over the loss of my second baby, she coldly responded, "Having a baby may just not be in the cards for you."  I mean, who says that to a grieving woman?  How can a doctor who helps bring life into the world be so harsh and mean.

I continued to become more depressed, angrier with God, and began to turn to food to feel better.  I promptly switched doctors and demanded that I be tested for whatever I could be tested for to try to figure out why I was losing these babies.  I was so angry with God.  I felt like, why would He do this to me?  I felt like maybe God didn't think I was good enough to be a mommy. 

After several tests that came back normal, I was pregnant for a third time and was cautiously excited.  When I went in for an ultrasound at 8 weeks, the doctor could not find the baby.  I had an ectopic pregnancy.  I was so crushed, I didn't know how I could possibly recover.  I can't even express how the experience harmed my marriage or my relationship with God.  Well, at least that's what I thought at the time.  Exactly 12 months after finding out I was pregnant for the first time, I discovered I was pregnant again.  Needless to say I was nervous throughout my entire pregnancy.  I still am to this day anytime I find out I am expecting.

At the time I was going through all of these horrible experiences, I couldn't understand why.  I couldn't see beyond the plan I had for myself to the plan that God had for me.  Now I look back and am so thankful for the experiences because they made me who I am today.  I never wanted more than three children and now I have four!  I can't imagine my life without my youngest.  Because I didn't have a baby right away, my husband was able to find a job that would allow him to support our family.  Because I lost so many pregnancies, I cherished the newly born child I was bringing into our life and knew that I could not go back to work, that my true calling was raising my baby with the hopes that our family would grow.  My marriage was made stronger than I ever could have imagined because we know that even when it's as dark as one can imagine, we have each other and we will make it through together.  We realized how much we would fight for our marriage, which is not easy!  Above all, these tough experiences helped me find my faith again, my love for God again, and taught me that no matter what choices I make, His plan will always overrule my plan.  God has a bigger dream for us than we could ever dream for ourselves.  I truly believe that.  I think that God is always trying to reach us.  Some of us just listen better than others.  When we don't listen, He has to use more drastic measures to get our attention.  Because of my difficult times, I appreciate so much more the life I have today because I know how bad it could be.  I was just thankful to have one baby, so to be as blessed as I am today with my children, I can't even put into words.  Thankful is truly how I feel every day.  Even on the days that are bad. 

We don't always get to know the why of life, but if we just believe in Him, in His plan, in His love for us, we will never be lost.  One of the hardest things to do is relinquish control but to love Him, is to trust Him and I try everyday to accept God's grace in my life.  I try to hear Him, even when I feel like I can't hear myself.  Please God help me hear you today and everyday so I can be guided by your unflinching love for me and thank you for where you have led me thus far!

Thanks for reading!

Busy Mommy Blogger